Loneliness

The lonely nights,the silence right after babies go to bed.The resounding silence when you can't fall asleep because you aren't tired enough,or you are think about something. Wondering how you got to this place,the place that you are alone.If you are like me and you made the conscious choice to be single then you'll console yourself that it trully was your choice.You will be happy because being alone is better than what it was and for that you'll smile.You will then remember why this is better and then get so much more peaceful.

If you got left because the other person had their reasons, then you start to wonder why you weren't enough for them. Either way you are alone and the sound of silence can be deafening sometimes.The being alone ,no one to hug you goodnight, no one to kiss goodbye when you leave the house  in the morning. No one to play adult games with even when you are dying play even for half a second.

As a parent the dating scene changes so many things,you can't really go out and meet people.Their temperature has to be right,not too cold and yet not so hot.They have to be caring but not love bombing you.They have to be mature because well the dynamics sorrounding kids is the wild wild west. Having children and finding a partner has to be the most interesting thing about adulting.

When you finally find the one, none of you will have time to even meet.Yes you'll try and plan but then there's no such thing as proper planning with children. The baby sitter will disappear two minutes after you start getting ready and when you find another one you'll be late already.Then half a second after you order you'll get a call and you'll miss it because you'll be trying to have a decent time with a fine gentleman. You'll see it twenty minutes later and have a panic attack because you call back and the sitter will not pick.I have listened to people rant about this scenario so many time it no longer surprises me.

Personally I have been lucky not to get panic attacks like that.I am not saying it has been easy ,it hasn't but my circumstances have been hard in a different way. Take today for example it's 23:55pm E.A.T.  and am not asleep,I am not working and I still can't sleep.I am alone,I am lonely and that is not even the whole of it. I don't know when this feeling will go away.I know how it can and who can make it go away but I don't know when it will. So I write and hope that it comes soon.