Tuesday, 31 October 2023

Diary of Parenting

My child asked me to give her privacy today.I stood there very surprised and she thought I didn't hear her.She called me and said "I need privacy please excuse me for a minute". I couldn't process it,neither could I answer do I just walked away.In the evening I was talking to a friend and she walked to my room.I asked her to leave as I was busy and she looked at me like I said something really wild. My friend then asked me what I was whispering and I explained the situation to which he asked why I was telling her to leave.I said because if she was expecting privacy then she had to learn to give it even when it wasn't convenient.Now my friend thinks I need prayers because it's going to be crazy going from here.I know one thing for sure that I'll always be intentional about being a parent even if it involves giving privacy to my child.I may not get why she needs it or why she has things she prefers to do alone but I know for sure that I'll always be here when she needs me.

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Saturday, 28 October 2023

Loneliness

The lonely nights,the silence right after babies go to bed.The resounding silence when you can't fall asleep because you aren't tired enough,or you are think about something. Wondering how you got to this place,the place that you are alone.If you are like me and you made the conscious choice to be single then you'll console yourself that it trully was your choice.You will be happy because being alone is better than what it was and for that you'll smile.You will then remember why this is better and then get so much more peaceful.
If you got left because the other person had their reasons, then you start to wonder why you weren't enough for them. Either way you are alone and the sound of silence can be deafening sometimes.The being alone ,no one to hug you goodnight, no one to kiss goodbye when you leave the house  in the morning. No one to play adult games with even when you are dying play even for half a second.
As a parent the dating scene changes so many things,you can't really go out and meet people.Their temperature has to be right,not too cold and yet not so hot.They have to be caring but not love bombing you.They have to be mature because well the dynamics sorrounding kids is the wild wild west. Having children and finding a partner has to be the most interesting thing about adulting.
When you finally find the one, none of you will have time to even meet.Yes you'll try and plan but then there's no such thing as proper planning with children. The baby sitter will disappear two minutes after you start getting ready and when you find another one you'll be late already.Then half a second after you order you'll get a call and you'll miss it because you'll be trying to have a decent time with a fine gentleman. You'll see it twenty minutes later and have a panic attack because you call back and the sitter will not pick.I have listened to people rant about this scenario so many time it no longer surprises me.
Personally I have been lucky not to get panic attacks like that.I am not saying it has been easy ,it hasn't but my circumstances have been hard in a different way. Take today for example it's 23:55pm E.A.T.  and am not asleep,I am not working and I still can't sleep.I am alone,I am lonely and that is not even the whole of it. I don't know when this feeling will go away.I know how it can and who can make it go away but I don't know when it will. So I write and hope that it comes soon.

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The black dress

I saw a black dress,straight , spaghetti strap neck and back less with a bit of straps.From  far it looks silky like it's shinning through the afternoon sun.I walked past it and smiled,it is a beautiful dress.
I can see myself in it ,wearing it with a bit of blushing because it is beautiful.Theres a way that neckline will look on me like a perfect perfection.Showing enough skin to keep me comfortable while making feel fly.The straps seem like a lot of work but once I get the hang of it they will cover my back just enough to make this village girl covered.The backless isn't so revealing and I can walk a few meters before I feel cold enough to cover it.
Oh this beautiful dress slightly above my knee.It is long enough I don't have to carry a lesso with me yet short enough that I feel girlish like that.I can wear heels,am thinking black or white.Six inches maybe, comfortable ones so I can walk a while without thinking about walking barefoot. I'll need a clutch purse preferably black or white, depending on the color of shoes I chose.Small enough for my phone, identification,an handkerchief and wipes.
Where would I wear it to?Well I don't know actually,I haven't quite figured that out yet.So I walk right past it on my way back home.Maybe I will go back once I figure out where we can go,just me and this beautiful I would love to show it a bit of me,what I love and what I don't.Where I like to go when I look classy like that.Who I would want to see me show of my womanhood like that.This dress I would make amazing memories with,take beautiful pictures in it.Pose in this glory,smile in this classy outfit and enjoy this moment.
A beautiful black dress, spaghetti strap neck with  straps on the back.I am smitten I fell for a silky dress,an allure of beauty.

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Friday, 27 October 2023

Realities of living

I would be really scared if someone stayed the same as days go by.Like what do you mean you are the same person you were six months ago.You mean nothing has changed at all,that has to be really scary..Like not even a single thing has influenced you to grow or to unlearn one or two things?Okay say you may not change much but still you can't not change at all.People who stay exactly the same are robots and those things don't even have feelings.Which means you are disconnected from your own life.While it is happening you are staying in a program like you have boxed yourself. People who compartmentalize like that are unhealthy mentally.Everyday something happens, it can be really small but it does have an impact.It affects who you are and in one way or another changes you.The ability to ignore everyday events is really wild.I would rather someone loses a part of themselves and than stay exactly the same.

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Little Pieces of Me

 I looked in the mirror and there stood a beautiful girl, beautiful in all her essence. I have been to the bottom of the sea where monsters live and survive. I have been to the darkest of places and I came out shining bright. I have been unable to sleep because the things going on in my life could not let me close my eyes in peace. There are days I slept more than normal, like no matter what time it was I could just close my eyes and fall asleep. Not much is said about the seasons that we are okay but really we aren’t okay. It has been a journey an interesting one actually. For the past few years, the healing process has been amazing, I have learned a lot of things. I have learned I can actually be very indifferent to things. The one thing I had promised myself when I started this journey is I wasn’t going to let my circumstances change who I am. It takes a lot of strength to accept that the beautiful parts of you are the reason someone hurt you in the first place. It's fascinating how many people change that just so they can protect themselves from future pain. I am a happy girl, honest, straightforward and I have a beautiful personality. Have people used that against me in the past? Yes, they have. I chose to accept that just because I got hurt doesn’t mean I give up the things that define me. So I chose me and I must say that as soon as I made peace the universe aligned. Today when I look in the mirror I see a happy girl. I see a girl who is content with everything. If there’s something that I learned very fast no matter what you do, something will always try to drag you back. Days like those chose to focus on the goal, which is being healthy. I wear my scars with pride no one can shame me for my choices or for the things that happened in my past. I enjoy my wins with so much grace because I have earned every single one of them. My mental health is at a level healthy place, my physical health is at a good place and everything else is where it usually is, I am figuring it out. I like what I see every time I look in the mirror. I love what I feel every day and I am amazed that I recognize now how much of me is amazing. I am happy truly and I know that no matter what this is who I am. This is what makes me and for that, I get to say I am okay.,

 

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Tuesday, 24 October 2023

Friendship

I  advocate for being there for each other.In a sensible way because it really eases many of our struggles.Yesterday I had a serious migraine,the kind that makes you want to cry.So I tell my best friend and because health practitioners are interesting people she goes ahead to examine me.She makes a conclusion and recommends medication.
I had to have been working so my colleague called and I couldn't be heard because I was in distress.Few minutes later shows up at my door asking what was wrong.To which their next question was"Other than the pain ,are you okay?" My friends have turned into me, personally I'll ask you about your physical pain, I'll ask about the triggers and then I'll ask about medical history.What pain medication have you used in the past?How often do you use them.In the grand scheme of things that will help determine what you will need to ease the pain.
I still talked to another friend of mine who reminded me why I did this in the first place.Why I love medicine,how it is that the things that heal our pain are more than  the medicine.I am sorounded by intentional friendships,I am loved intentionally.
My mother has instincts the size of Africa,she always calls when something is wrong.Sometimes I will not tell her but she'll still know.Yesterday was no exceptions,she called and I I had to tell her because even her could hear that something was off.She prayed about it, which is one of her highest love languages.I am loved,trully.
Today I celebrate my friends,the people that hold me when I can't stand, reassure me when I need it .I have scaled the heights of life and today I am grateful that this is where I am.It took time but here we are,so I smile.I woke up and the headache is gone,the pain isn't here anymore. 
It's a brand new day and I can't wait to see what it brings my way.

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Aura

Aura,the energy that describes a particular place at a particular time.There are people that carry different types of energy even when we don't seem to see it.I was talking to someone and he mentioned that even though people can lie their energies don't.It is an interesting way to look at people though.As far as mental health is concerned,you can only project what you have.Hurt people tend to hurt others and even though it may not be their intention they still inflict pain.Look at it like this,you cannot pour from an empty cup. There is only so much you can do while pretending.It doesn't matter how good a poker face you have, something will show people who you trully are.Personally I have had so much experience with people who lie alot.One thing they all have in common is their lack of remorse through the lie.Their energy is filled with unsettling because they are always topping up lies with other lies.You stay with them long enough your aura will be filled with doubt,fear and lack of peace.What is your energy like?How do the people around you feel when you are with them.Is your mental health stable enough?Are you hiding behind your terrible behaviors without a care for the people around you? You cannot pour from an empty cup,you have to have peace to give peace.You have to be happy in order to give happiness.As a parent you need to heal you inner child to raise healthy children, giving your child what you lacked as a child isn't enough.You need to heal so you don't others and yourself. You will attract what you are and the things that your hate so much.You hate something so much it builds into your subconscious,you may not see it .You may not even think it,but it is there in you.Heal your energy,be the change you want to see in others.Be the energy you want to attract.

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Monday, 23 October 2023

The healing process

It's the things that cross your mind when you are alone.The truth of your existence when you wake up in the middle of night.That feeling when you are facing the worst of your fears,that exact moment in which you cross the line.The line between it being a fear and it turning into a reality.I have scared myself to tears as I tore down the walls of trauma in my life.I have ugly cried as I watched my fears become a reality.The painful thing about this wasn't the fears it was the walls coming down.I have had to look into the mirror and watch in horror as I lost control of the safety I created.The thing that took me so many years to build I had to let it go.Because as beautiful as it was it still wasn't right for me.I have listened to myself as broke down because things were changing and let me tell you it wasn't easy.You should see me now,i made it through to the other side.The side where I am healing,where I can listen without reacting.Where I can know the exact moment something changes in my emotions.I can now tell when my body is responding to a situation.I get to be present in a moment when I feel comfortable enough.Here is my favorite part of this journey,it took a village.An entire support system to get here.Needing help is strength.The ability to be vulnerable and let other people see be there for you takes a lot of strength.I know because I have been there and looking back i am grateful.I got this far because my hand was held when I couldn't hold it up no more.My faith was kept alive by others when I couldn't keep it anymore. Today i smile because the process of healing is continuous and now I know no matter what I am going to be okay.

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July 17:2023

I can hear the walls closing in ,the windows crushing as they fold to the pressure. The doors are broken because they can't hold anymore.And I know in this moment that the time has come.The close of a new beginning .The end of an era.She has stood the test of time.

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Love language

We are not directly taught to love,we figure it out on our own,we use what was shown to us as example.Sometimes we even want more but that will depend entirely on the circumstances of who we hang around.I realized recently that love languages are a delicate subject.Most people will express their love the way they would want to be loved. More often than not this will end in premium tears.This is why ,you know how much effort it takes to love someone a certain way because you do it hoping they will give back.Which they don't because it's not their way of expressing love.So you give,give and give some more.Then because they don't give back you start to hurt.In your mind you are asking yourself why they don't appreciate your effort.While to them they're are doing what they think works.The lack of communication is the leading cause of breakups and heart breaks.If only we could do talk to each other, communicate our needs there would not be so much left unsaid.

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Sunday, 22 October 2023

From the mouth of babes

My child has an infection.Its minor, however she needed mediation so I got her some.They don't taste so well because it's medicine.This morning am giving her a dose and she is whispering something."I am brave, I am brave". I am marvelling at the way she is calm saying it and takes the medicine without cringing.In that moment I realize something really interesting about our existence.
She knew what it tasted like,she knew she didn't like it and so she was prepared.She found a way to calm herself through that. Reminded herself that she could do it and then she did.The power of the human mind.
I want to borrow this phenomenal way if dealing with everyday. Life changes everyday,we know it's not easy.We know that it's not predictable,we even know what is likely to be difficult.From this amazing tiny human we can learn to accept that we still have to live it.We can learn that we need to be ready for the tough times and so we speak power to our situation.Remind ourselves that we are brave,that we are strong enough to deal.Yes it's Monday,there's a bad taste in your mouth because it's not going exactly how you want.But you are brave and you can do this.
The ideology that you have done it before,got through worse, conquered tougher time is enough.Its enough for you to know that one more dose and you are closer to the goal.One more step of you being brave and you get closer to making it.
No man is an island and we all need someone in our lives.It can be a tiny human reminding us to brave our fears.Showing us in her small way that if she can get through a bad taste then we can get through adulting.
Happy week ahead,may your blessings locate you at the point of your need.

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DIARY OF MY TODAY

I am looking into the eyes of a child.Let me start from the beginning,I am sitting somewhere and across from me is a baby and her mom.She is about a year old and is being a baby,wants to play,wants to be held and is even trying to eat everything she touches.She keeps smiling at me and I keep wondering how pure children are. 
I am admiring the casual way in which this baby is existing, falling because she knows she'll be caught.Keeps biting things just because.The purity and ability to be free spirited in children is amazing.Its been an interesting few minutes before I remember something.
Someone has been saying that I have baby fever.I don't think I do because for many years now it has been my conscious decision to not have another child.I have thought alot about it lately.The fact that I am craving teddy bears, like every time I see one I go "Aaaaw that's so cute". 
One thing is for sure,I know that am not ready but now I am no longer terrified.I know that one day I might get another,one day I might try again.Unlike two years ago when it was a definite no,now I don't feel like I can't do it. 
Would I get pregnant today if I had the chance, definitely NO.Will I do it next year I don't know.What I know is the trauma that led me to anxiety every time I thought about a baby is gone.The reason that kept me awake every time I had a pregnancy scare is gone . Isn't that beautiful?
In psychology this isn't about a baby,the need to have one or the craving to think about it.It isn't about tiny little feet and tiny little hands ,it is about more.It is about this journey,the healing process and the realities of how much has changed.
I look at the mirror and see a beautiful girl, a grown woman who had conquered her fears.A beautiful princess who has an amazing story.An amazing mother that has raised a beautiful, confident girl.An intentional parent who wakes up each day and chose to be a parent.The parent that stayed,the parent that prides in this choice to be a mother,I love that I get to do this journey.
I see a daughter that has done everything she could to make her parents proud.I see a beautiful sister that has shown up for her siblings,the best way she knows how.

Professionally I may not be where I want to be,but I have shown up for my clients the best way there is.I have held the Hippocratic Oath to the highest of regards.I have held my end of being ethical.
Today as I look into this innocent eyes,I know for a fact that it's God's way of saying something.Its his way of reminding me that this alleged baby fever is about how far I have come to get to a place of peace.A place of love,peace and contentment.The place of pure Grace.I have come to a place of living as God intended to,as a woman worthy of his name.

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Conquering your fears

As children we are taught to fear what scares us.You tell your child to call an adult when they are scared,to run from a person that looks scary.We teach our children that they should be safe and teach them to avoid the things that exposed them to danger.The chanel's we think are inappropriate we block them, we protect them ,we do our best to make this difficult works safe.Its our job as parents.Its what our parents and guardians did for us.The irony is once you become an adult you are expected to conquer your fears.You are expected to rise above,to scare the adult that looks scary.The fear of darkness that you have ,you have to deal with it.The boss that scares you ,there is no choice than to deal.For most people though the ways we learn to deal may not be healthy but they are effective. So we use them to conquer the world.Today we have this conversation about how this generation is different from the one before it .What we forget it we are trying to be better ,give more,protect more,heal our traumas through our children. In this journey we forget what is important,we forget to stop and think about the effects of all of the things we do.There is a reason mental health issues have risen ,there is a reason people are broken beyond what they can see. We have refused to heal ourselves so that we can be better human beings,better friends.Those of us that have gone through the process to heal and stay away from triggers aren't even better.Because when we heal,we shut people out,we think everyone is going to mess up our peace,we run at the slightest change of events.We forget that the more we shut people out the more we are on our own.As cliche as it sounds no man is an island and no one has ever made it through life on their own.
Protect your peace ,love yourself and do not forget that you can make a difference. Go thee and use your scars to make the world a better place.

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June 20th 2023

How fast do we forget that the things we have are the things we prayed for.The things that we worked so hard to get.We forget that there are days we stayed up all night trying to make our ends meet.The jobs that we have ,how much we hoped we would get them.The assets that we own ,how much sweat and tears it took for them to be in your name.Then there is the most valuable of all children.You have people that have your DNA. Women let's talk about this kidogo,today of all the days you have decided it is an insult day...Well since you are the same people preaching generational curses then it's time we ask where those curses come from..
You are cursing your baby daddy,calling him all the names, wishing the worst for him.Do you know that those curses will get to him and then his next generation which Is your child will inherit it.Before we go any further can we agree that we should raise babies better than our choices.You made he choice to keep the child,you are spending every single day , every sweat and tears raising this kid.And then you wake up one morning and start cursing them because why.🤷🤷🤷
Yes he left,yes he pays absolutely no bills .He doesn't show up for his child.He fails to keep his promises and for the most of them they even blocked you..So now you need to pick a side and heal.You cannot be a vindictive human being cursing and calling people names then turn around use the same mouth to bless your children.As a society we need to do better with our kids.We need to do better with our next generation. When a person leaves let him be.Don't follow him with insults ,don't be in his business.Unless you want to sue him for custody in which case go the legal way.But if you have decided to be the staying parent be a healthy parent,a blessing parent.Forgive yourself for chosing a person like him,forgive him for not stepping up.
And men this idea of saying children will look for you when they are adults is an absolute ghetto.Either raise your children or stay away for eternity.Before you say the mum's are refusing to let you see the kids,have you tried a lawyer? Have you tried to get a mediator between the two of you.Or you just want to show up and see the kids talking about all the reasons why you can't provide for your kids.. Oh am not shopping for that woman to eat and things like that... Y'all need to grow up or go away.
We need to do better ,we need to heal.Heal from your pain,from your choices and wear your consequences with pride .To the women celebrating themselves as father's ,sister you are not a father you are the parent who stayed..Just like single dad's aren't mum's they are the parent that stayed...
From the writers corner.Happy Father's Day gentlemen.I hope it's not too late to salvage what is left of the rest of this day..
#forgive
#rebuild

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Saturday, 21 October 2023

The healing process

I have a really wild mind.Like there are very few things I can't tell you I haven't thought about.Like why the sky is blue and the clouds are white.You know the kind of stuff that seems normal to everyone..But the things that come close to me and my well being,well those I have thought about.I even took the time to look at my mistakes,my pain and what I would have done differently to make it better.Nothing has come close to the self healing journey I have been through to come to a place of healing.I have done the work,I have paid the price.Through this journey I have realized there are things you can't change,things you can't outgrow and most importantly things you can't detach from.So you smile and learn to wear your scars with pride.Wear them with honor and stand up so tall no one can put you down.Because in the end the only person that matters is you and only you can make the best version of what you want.Go forth and bring the best to life..

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Good deeds

Our caretaker went home for like a week.The agency got a substitute for the few days.CBC humans terrorized that man everyday for the time he was here.They asked him his name then called him by the other one's name anyway.They asked him if the usual caretake employed him and how much he was being paid.They asked him if he would stop taking his money so he would come back.By the third day this guy stopped being available when they are home from school.Yesterday another one came during the day..From the way he looked he was more like our usual.This time it's the adults who gave him the side eye.I even heard one man ask him for our usual.When he said he wasn't there that dude just told him"huyo ndio nataka" I felt bad for this guy because he got here yesterday and was expected to tell of his predecessors exact location.I have realized something change is hard for most people.We like thing the way that we are accustomed to.We appreciate being able to understand why things are changing around us.The most interesting part is when it's time for the change we want them we rally for it.Anyway we woke up this morning and he is back.I can hear the kids scream his name as they welcome him back .They ask him if he'll be here when they get home from school.I see the adults waiting for that answer with hope. I know for a fact that he knows he was missed truly.Do your work so well even the tiny CBC people miss you when you are gone for awhile.

#Nairobichronicles

#humanity 

#rebuild

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The healing process

One day you are young ,with all your dreams intact.You are ready to face the world and conquer it.The next you are an adult with experiences that you don't even know how you survived.You are almost sure that they could have killed you but you are still here.So you wake up and try again.This time with measures to protect yourself.The irony is you will not know when your walls will come down again. All you can do is ask God to give you a safe space,so when your walls come down you will experience divine living.You will live in the joys of life and it's abundance.That you will smile again and that no matter what your tears will not flow unless they are tears of joy.
However for you to get to this space you need to have healed.You need to be free from all the trauma,all the pain ,all the triggers.You need to have accepted your mistakes,the things that you contributed to your good and bad times. Wear your scars with honor so that when you rise you can grow above the stigma,the shame the trigger and all remainders of what was.

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She Will Rise

She reads it with smiles
The re-reads with tears
So much reassurances
He says with calmness
Writes of her as princess
Standing above gazes

She reads again this time with peace
Her face glowing with a shine
From far he gave her a smile 
She knows she can face every shake
Because he believed in her courage 
When the tears dry she will rise

She didn't know how well he writes
She likes this whole side of his
Wondering what else there is
Looks like there's many superpowers 
Grateful she gets to see his gifts
What is life without many surprises

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Parenting Chronicles

My daughter has been asking to do things on her own.Interesting that every time she does I get this feeling of both pride and fear.I live in a city where security is questionable even in the best of estates.So here I am four meters behind her while she walks home.You would think I wasn't here because of the way she keeps looking before crossing a path.Or the way she is avoiding  walking directly towards people.I am thinking she is okay doing this everyday:walking home from school that is.But the truth is it is scary to let our children go and no matter how much we pretend we want them to need us.So am gonna walk many meters behind for very many days in the foreseeable future. Parenting has no manual so we just wing it and hope our best is enough for our children.

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She

She looks in the mirror
All she can see is fear
Maybe mirror is broken
Or her strength is shaken

She reaches for the sky
With the hopes to try
But her hands fall down
No strength to hold on

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Friday, 20 October 2023

Realities of our everyday

Sometimes it's the fear of the unknown,or the fear of what happened the last time.However most times it is the fear of not being enough. Human beings are accustomed to winning and no matter what our niche is we try to shine in it.What happens when you lose or worse when you don't make it.What happens when that business you gave your all comes crumbling down.What happens to that loan you are servicing ,the one you took for the business.What happens to the remaining stock that you still have but can't sell? There is you who took the chance and went back to school because you thought that if you give yourself the gift of better skills you could do better at the workplace.Just after your graduation you got fired or your contract ended and the chances aren't looking so good at employment.What happens to you then?
We walk around eggshells when it comes to finances because everytime someone says they are struggling we judge them.We say they should have saved or invested.You don't know what they did or what they didn't and just because you can see them struggling doesn't give you the right to judge.That friend that is doing well celebrate them ,let them enjoy their win for you don't know how much they gave to get there.That friend that is drowning in debt and pain,do not condemn them for you don't know how much they have tried to get out.Most people say that they lose friends when their dynamics change and that is sad.But maybe it's a good thing.I would think you would rather be friendless than have friends who are jealous of you and your success.You would rather be alone than with people who make you feel worse than you already do.Maybe your circumstances had to change for you to grow up.So look around you and see the scars of your labor .Get up and try again.Look around you and see the fruits of your labor and celebrate with no guilt.Right this moment be In your moment,accept your moment,learn from it and grow from your moment.There is only one you..
#rebuild
#restructure

Economics and Politics

We live in interesting times.The end times I might add.Me and my friend went to the market today.Grocery shopping has always been therapeutic today.I keep thinking it's the way that food comes from the farm and I love the farm.It could be the way the color green dominates the market and I love this color so much.Anyway that's not the story. We are accustomed to speaking in our local dialect because well it's easy.This gentleman is very unusually friendly and goes ahead to tell us why he loves our president. Don't get me wrong politics is a tricky subject so I usually try and read a room before engaging. Thankfully he doesn't need any of us to he just wants to talk all by himself.Here is what I learnt from him ,our circumstances are not the same.For each reason that it is different we need to know that all we have is each other.My favourite part of his rant is that he really sees the beauty in this country.He even mentioned that no matter what each one of us deserves to enjoy what they have and those don't should keep trying so we can all be okay.It got even more interesting because according to him we all have a story and no matter what our stories are we should respect each other's process.For you who has already made it and don't understand why your neighbor hasn't, it's not your business to belittle them. The people who haven't made it yet have no business badmouthing those who have for any reason under the sun.Going by his logic do not hate the players hate the game.Because we are all in the game, the rules maybe different but us players only got each other.

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The healing process

Each one of us has a believe system.A way in which we think the world should work for it to make sense.The truth is it never really does because most people don't take the time to accept that your believes are not everyone else's.So you find someone imposing their lives and systems to others.The leading cause of depression right now is relationships.You get in knowing what you want and deep down knowing this person is different.So you tell yourself they will change for you.Time goes by and you realize they are who they are.By this time you are in too deep and don't know how to get out.So you stay a frustrated man or a broken woman.Here is my believe system, relationships are a beautiful space.Be yourself,what you love,hate and everything you care for.From the beginning be authentic and do not think for one minute that if you compromise your partner will.Love yourself enough to be you .There is only one you.Protect your mental health.

#rebuild#

restructure

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The healing process

Everyone will tell you to take a step of faith.They will tell you to keep trying and not give up.What they will not tell you is ,it will hurt like hell.It will be scary and for the most part you will have nothing to show for it.So you will drown soo deep it will scare you to swim.And when you have drowned to the bottom no one will be there with you.Then you will remember that there is a God and so you call him.As soon as you say it out loud ,it all starts to fall in place.The beauty of everything starts to show and it is in that moment that you know ,all you needed to do is ask. So hold on a little bit longer and when you are ready all you need to do is ask.

Diary of my Today

It's the things that cross your mind when you are alone.The truth of your existence when you wake up in the middle of night.That feeling when you are facing the worst of your fears,that exact moment in which you cross the line.The line between it being a fear and it turning into a reality.I have scared myself to tears as I tore down the walls of trauma in my life.I have ugly cried as I watched my fears become a reality.The painful thing about this wasn't the fears it was the walls coming down.I have had to look into the mirror and watch in horror as I lost control of the safety I created.The thing that took me so many years to build I had to let it go.Because as beautiful as it was it still wasn't right for me.I have listened to myself as broke down because things were changing and let me tell you it wasn't easy.You should see me now,i made it through to the other side.The side where I am healing,where I can listen without reacting.Where I can know the exact moment something changes in my emotions.I can now tell when my body is responding to a situation.I get to be present in a moment when I feel comfortable enough.Here is my favorite part of this journey,it took a village.An entire support system to get here.Needing help is strength.The ability to be vulnerable and let other people see be there for you takes a lot of strength.I know because I have been there and looking back i am grateful.I got this far because my hand was held when I couldn't hold it up no more.My faith was kept alive by others when I couldn't keep it anymore. Today i smile because the process of healing is continuous and now I know no matter what I am going to be okay.

May 26th 2023

Seven years ago today I was sleeping In a hospital bed waiting for induction.There is a kind of calm that I have when I am in scary situations.I don't know if it's a firstborn syndrome or it's behavioral, either way it's very different from what most patients exhibit.The circumstances around that season were complicated,one thing was for sure though,despite all of it I was ready.So I went to hospital for a check up.Figured since I was home I needed my records to be in the hospital before labor day came.Me and my mum walk in to this hospital where I was born with all I needed, my clinic card.We move from one door to another, typical hospital stuff and before we know it am lying in bed waiting for a hospital gown.I didn't carry anything for the baby ,but like I said I was really calm.Looking back I realize my mum might have done all the panicking for me ,she really was scared. Can't blame her though ,I was twenty two, still in school and fifty four kilos.In retrospect she really did handle it well.Twenty sixth of May 2016,I finally get induced at nine am in the morning.By twelve noon I was sleepy like I had never been the whole pregnancy.I have never seen anyone sleepy during labor and I have been in the ward more times than I can count.My gynecologist told me I should sleep because I might never get a good night's sleep for the next eighteen years.Boy wasn't she right.Three pm I get another drug,this time I can't keep my eyes open,so my Uncle who is an anesthesiologist asks me if am sure I was given the right medication. I was sure ,I had given that drug to many  patients so I knew what it was like.Six pm and am put on a monitor.There is nothing like being in labor without moving.The next few hours were chaotic,I vomited more than I thought was humanly possible.Women my grandmother's age pittied me ,they thought I miscarried or aborted for that matter.Oh don't give me that look I know what judgemental looks look like.See I was really tiny for a person in labor and it didn't help that I had shaved my hair.So they kept stealing glances at me and offering me tea.At 11.00 I could feel the pain way beyond anything I can describe,I remember walking towards the nurse and he told me to go back.I just told him it was time,he asked how I knew that?Surprised as he was he decided to check and 11:40 pm baby girl was screaming her lungs out.One thing was for sure though,she came in to this world a happy little girl.Once she made her entrance cry she went quite and slept through her first night. We've had our ups and downs,but one thing is for sure you will never be too big for my arms.I love you Isabelle,for everyday that o get to be your mother I am grateful and I hope you know that no matter what happens i will always show up for you.Happy 7 birthday my love.

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Thursday, 19 October 2023

High school Escapades😉😉This is a red sweater the same colour i went to high school with. Well it reminds me of reporting day. The admission letter was very clear that no foodstuff was allowed. My whole life in boarding primary I tried to be a good student and kept the rules. Well I told myself I could be the cool mono🤣🤣.  Anyways I went with food and by food I mean juice a whole litre of it. When we got to the gate I was told to go change into school uniform and meanwhile mum would help the teachers verify if we had everything in the list. So I majestically walked away from my hidden secret. And i wasn't caught which I think was a because they were in a hurry. That's not the worst  part I never enjoyed my fruits of disobedience. See unlike my boarding primary everyone kept the rules and I was the only one who didn't.  I couldn't find peace drinking it not even once.I even contemplated throwing it away but I was scared of being caught. Anyway that was the last time I tried that shit. I never smuggled food anymore not that I didn't get into trouble..But we all learn from mistakes right?

LIFE

Every day the sun rises its a new day everyone is up we all be thinking money matters. this city life is crazy everything is money based but then its  life. the society is staring all with an idea of what we should have achieved by now.and all the time you hear questions like; why do you have one kid or why don't have a baby yet ;how do you manage without a car or why did you buy that model of a car such and such would have been better .And amidst thinking about money you get stuck wondering if its their life or your life .This is the reason my new motto is YOLO,you only live once. And to the onlookers live your life mine is my choices my consequences.As i juggle between this economy and my dreams i need you to just the onlookers your opinion doesn't count.