I have loved so deeply,yet I never felt that kind of purity in those that showed me love

I cared so intensely,yet never felt safe to long enough not to care for myself

I honored those that deserved and yet never walked in my own honor

I held on to keep the peace,yet I always walk in eggshells not to disturb their peace

I gave my heart to the course of being human, yet I haven't been one myself

I have healed broken hearts,yet I walk around as a human humpty Dumpty

I am a good listener,yet I can hear the echo when I speak for no one listens

Everything I had to overcome I did, yet I can heart and fwdDxrq mythem taking credit for it all

Diary of Parenting

My child asked me to give her privacy today.I stood there very surprised and she thought I didn't hear her.She called me and said "I need privacy please excuse me for a minute". I couldn't process it,neither could I answer do I just walked away.In the evening I was talking to a friend and she walked to my room.I asked her to leave as I was busy and she looked at me like I said something really wild. My friend then asked me what I was whispering and I explained the situation to which he asked why I was telling her to leave.I said because if she was expecting privacy then she had to learn to give it even when it wasn't convenient.Now my friend thinks I need prayers because it's going to be crazy going from here.I know one thing for sure that I'll always be intentional about being a parent even if it involves giving privacy to my child.I may not get why she needs it or why she has things she prefers to do alone but I know for sure that I'll always be here when she needs me.

Loneliness

The lonely nights,the silence right after babies go to bed.The resounding silence when you can't fall asleep because you aren't tired enough,or you are think about something. Wondering how you got to this place,the place that you are alone.If you are like me and you made the conscious choice to be single then you'll console yourself that it trully was your choice.You will be happy because being alone is better than what it was and for that you'll smile.You will then remember why this is better and then get so much more peaceful.

If you got left because the other person had their reasons, then you start to wonder why you weren't enough for them. Either way you are alone and the sound of silence can be deafening sometimes.The being alone ,no one to hug you goodnight, no one to kiss goodbye when you leave the house  in the morning. No one to play adult games with even when you are dying play even for half a second.

As a parent the dating scene changes so many things,you can't really go out and meet people.Their temperature has to be right,not too cold and yet not so hot.They have to be caring but not love bombing you.They have to be mature because well the dynamics sorrounding kids is the wild wild west. Having children and finding a partner has to be the most interesting thing about adulting.

When you finally find the one, none of you will have time to even meet.Yes you'll try and plan but then there's no such thing as proper planning with children. The baby sitter will disappear two minutes after you start getting ready and when you find another one you'll be late already.Then half a second after you order you'll get a call and you'll miss it because you'll be trying to have a decent time with a fine gentleman. You'll see it twenty minutes later and have a panic attack because you call back and the sitter will not pick.I have listened to people rant about this scenario so many time it no longer surprises me.

Personally I have been lucky not to get panic attacks like that.I am not saying it has been easy ,it hasn't but my circumstances have been hard in a different way. Take today for example it's 23:55pm E.A.T.  and am not asleep,I am not working and I still can't sleep.I am alone,I am lonely and that is not even the whole of it. I don't know when this feeling will go away.I know how it can and who can make it go away but I don't know when it will. So I write and hope that it comes soon.

Realities of living

I would be really scared if someone stayed the same as days go by.Like what do you mean you are the same person you were six months ago.You mean nothing has changed at all,that has to be really scary..Like not even a single thing has influenced you to grow or to unlearn one or two things?Okay say you may not change much but still you can't not change at all.People who stay exactly the same are robots and those things don't even have feelings.Which means you are disconnected from your own life.While it is happening you are staying in a program like you have boxed yourself. People who compartmentalize like that are unhealthy mentally.Everyday something happens, it can be really small but it does have an impact.It affects who you are and in one way or another changes you.The ability to ignore everyday events is really wild.I would rather someone loses a part of themselves and than stay exactly the same.

Aura

Aura,the energy that describes a particular place at a particular time.There are people that carry different types of energy even when we don't seem to see it.I was talking to someone and he mentioned that even though people can lie their energies don't.It is an interesting way to look at people though.As far as mental health is concerned,you can only project what you have.Hurt people tend to hurt others and even though it may not be their intention they still inflict pain.Look at it like this,you cannot pour from an empty cup. There is only so much you can do while pretending.It doesn't matter how good a poker face you have, something will show people who you trully are.Personally I have had so much experience with people who lie alot.One thing they all have in common is their lack of remorse through the lie.Their energy is filled with unsettling because they are always topping up lies with other lies.You stay with them long enough your aura will be filled with doubt,fear and lack of peace.What is your energy like?How do the people around you feel when you are with them.Is your mental health stable enough?Are you hiding behind your terrible behaviors without a care for the people around you? You cannot pour from an empty cup,you have to have peace to give peace.You have to be happy in order to give happiness.As a parent you need to heal you inner child to raise healthy children, giving your child what you lacked as a child isn't enough.You need to heal so you don't others and yourself. You will attract what you are and the things that your hate so much.You hate something so much it builds into your subconscious,you may not see it .You may not even think it,but it is there in you.Heal your energy,be the change you want to see in others.Be the energy you want to attract.

Love language

We are not directly taught to love,we figure it out on our own,we use what was shown to us as example.Sometimes we even want more but that will depend entirely on the circumstances of who we hang around.I realized recently that love languages are a delicate subject.Most people will express their love the way they would want to be loved. More often than not this will end in premium tears.This is why ,you know how much effort it takes to love someone a certain way because you do it hoping they will give back.Which they don't because it's not their way of expressing love.So you give,give and give some more.Then because they don't give back you start to hurt.In your mind you are asking yourself why they don't appreciate your effort.While to them they're are doing what they think works.The lack of communication is the leading cause of breakups and heart breaks.If only we could do talk to each other, communicate our needs there would not be so much left unsaid.

DIARY OF MY TODAY

I am looking into the eyes of a child.Let me start from the beginning,I am sitting somewhere and across from me is a baby and her mom.She is about a year old and is being a baby,wants to play,wants to be held and is even trying to eat everything she touches.She keeps smiling at me and I keep wondering how pure children are. 

I am admiring the casual way in which this baby is existing, falling because she knows she'll be caught.Keeps biting things just because.The purity and ability to be free spirited in children is amazing.Its been an interesting few minutes before I remember something.

Someone has been saying that I have baby fever.I don't think I do because for many years now it has been my conscious decision to not have another child.I have thought alot about it lately.The fact that I am craving teddy bears, like every time I see one I go "Aaaaw that's so cute". 

One thing is for sure,I know that am not ready but now I am no longer terrified.I know that one day I might get another,one day I might try again.Unlike two years ago when it was a definite no,now I don't feel like I can't do it. 

Would I get pregnant today if I had the chance, definitely NO.Will I do it next year I don't know.What I know is the trauma that led me to anxiety every time I thought about a baby is gone.The reason that kept me awake every time I had a pregnancy scare is gone . Isn't that beautiful?

In psychology this isn't about a baby,the need to have one or the craving to think about it.It isn't about tiny little feet and tiny little hands ,it is about more.It is about this journey,the healing process and the realities of how much has changed.

I look at the mirror and see a beautiful girl, a grown woman who had conquered her fears.A beautiful princess who has an amazing story.An amazing mother that has raised a beautiful, confident girl.An intentional parent who wakes up each day and chose to be a parent.The parent that stayed,the parent that prides in this choice to be a mother,I love that I get to do this journey.

I see a daughter that has done everything she could to make her parents proud.I see a beautiful sister that has shown up for her siblings,the best way she knows how.

Professionally I may not be where I want to be,but I have shown up for my clients the best way there is.I have held the Hippocratic Oath to the highest of regards.I have held my end of being ethical.

Today as I look into this innocent eyes,I know for a fact that it's God's way of saying something.Its his way of reminding me that this alleged baby fever is about how far I have come to get to a place of peace.A place of love,peace and contentment.The place of pure Grace.I have come to a place of living as God intended to,as a woman worthy of his name.