25:10:2023

I have learnt to be present in my emotions.Taught myself to listen to my body,the changes in my psychic. It is very interesting that now I know when something changes.Like today, I don't feel whole, something is off, really really off.I have thought about it, listened to exact time in which my mood changed.It is a very trying space to be in because it gives me the power to change it.The reality is there things I don't need to change,I need to feel the pain,to experience the consequences of my feelings.I have to go through them to heal them and in being in such a space is really interesting.Knowing that you can change it but living is necessary for growth.

Most of us spend our lives running from our feelings,we run for the things that make us feel.We do everything we can not be powerless,we use every avenue we have to ensure we have control.Yet control is what messes us up,it is what takes away our ability to deal with our pain,our traumas.Control takes away from our ability to enjoy our wins,to feel our joy,to celebrate the things we have worked so hard to achieve.Instead of being present in the moment we try so hard to keep the factors constant.

Loneliness

The lonely nights,the silence right after babies go to bed.The resounding silence when you can't fall asleep because you aren't tired enough,or you are think about something. Wondering how you got to this place,the place that you are alone.If you are like me and you made the conscious choice to be single then you'll console yourself that it trully was your choice.You will be happy because being alone is better than what it was and for that you'll smile.You will then remember why this is better and then get so much more peaceful.

If you got left because the other person had their reasons, then you start to wonder why you weren't enough for them. Either way you are alone and the sound of silence can be deafening sometimes.The being alone ,no one to hug you goodnight, no one to kiss goodbye when you leave the house  in the morning. No one to play adult games with even when you are dying play even for half a second.

As a parent the dating scene changes so many things,you can't really go out and meet people.Their temperature has to be right,not too cold and yet not so hot.They have to be caring but not love bombing you.They have to be mature because well the dynamics sorrounding kids is the wild wild west. Having children and finding a partner has to be the most interesting thing about adulting.

When you finally find the one, none of you will have time to even meet.Yes you'll try and plan but then there's no such thing as proper planning with children. The baby sitter will disappear two minutes after you start getting ready and when you find another one you'll be late already.Then half a second after you order you'll get a call and you'll miss it because you'll be trying to have a decent time with a fine gentleman. You'll see it twenty minutes later and have a panic attack because you call back and the sitter will not pick.I have listened to people rant about this scenario so many time it no longer surprises me.

Personally I have been lucky not to get panic attacks like that.I am not saying it has been easy ,it hasn't but my circumstances have been hard in a different way. Take today for example it's 23:55pm E.A.T.  and am not asleep,I am not working and I still can't sleep.I am alone,I am lonely and that is not even the whole of it. I don't know when this feeling will go away.I know how it can and who can make it go away but I don't know when it will. So I write and hope that it comes soon.

Little Pieces of Me

 I looked in the mirror and there stood a beautiful girl, beautiful in all her essence. I have been to the bottom of the sea where monsters live and survive. I have been to the darkest of places and I came out shining bright. I have been unable to sleep because the things going on in my life could not let me close my eyes in peace. There are days I slept more than normal, like no matter what time it was I could just close my eyes and fall asleep. Not much is said about the seasons that we are okay but really we aren’t okay. It has been a journey an interesting one actually. For the past few years, the healing process has been amazing, I have learned a lot of things. I have learned I can actually be very indifferent to things. The one thing I had promised myself when I started this journey is I wasn’t going to let my circumstances change who I am. It takes a lot of strength to accept that the beautiful parts of you are the reason someone hurt you in the first place. It's fascinating how many people change that just so they can protect themselves from future pain. I am a happy girl, honest, straightforward and I have a beautiful personality. Have people used that against me in the past? Yes, they have. I chose to accept that just because I got hurt doesn’t mean I give up the things that define me. So I chose me and I must say that as soon as I made peace the universe aligned. Today when I look in the mirror I see a happy girl. I see a girl who is content with everything. If there’s something that I learned very fast no matter what you do, something will always try to drag you back. Days like those chose to focus on the goal, which is being healthy. I wear my scars with pride no one can shame me for my choices or for the things that happened in my past. I enjoy my wins with so much grace because I have earned every single one of them. My mental health is at a level healthy place, my physical health is at a good place and everything else is where it usually is, I am figuring it out. I like what I see every time I look in the mirror. I love what I feel every day and I am amazed that I recognize now how much of me is amazing. I am happy truly and I know that no matter what this is who I am. This is what makes me and for that, I get to say I am okay.,

 

Aura

Aura,the energy that describes a particular place at a particular time.There are people that carry different types of energy even when we don't seem to see it.I was talking to someone and he mentioned that even though people can lie their energies don't.It is an interesting way to look at people though.As far as mental health is concerned,you can only project what you have.Hurt people tend to hurt others and even though it may not be their intention they still inflict pain.Look at it like this,you cannot pour from an empty cup. There is only so much you can do while pretending.It doesn't matter how good a poker face you have, something will show people who you trully are.Personally I have had so much experience with people who lie alot.One thing they all have in common is their lack of remorse through the lie.Their energy is filled with unsettling because they are always topping up lies with other lies.You stay with them long enough your aura will be filled with doubt,fear and lack of peace.What is your energy like?How do the people around you feel when you are with them.Is your mental health stable enough?Are you hiding behind your terrible behaviors without a care for the people around you? You cannot pour from an empty cup,you have to have peace to give peace.You have to be happy in order to give happiness.As a parent you need to heal you inner child to raise healthy children, giving your child what you lacked as a child isn't enough.You need to heal so you don't others and yourself. You will attract what you are and the things that your hate so much.You hate something so much it builds into your subconscious,you may not see it .You may not even think it,but it is there in you.Heal your energy,be the change you want to see in others.Be the energy you want to attract.

Conquering your fears

As children we are taught to fear what scares us.You tell your child to call an adult when they are scared,to run from a person that looks scary.We teach our children that they should be safe and teach them to avoid the things that exposed them to danger.The chanel's we think are inappropriate we block them, we protect them ,we do our best to make this difficult works safe.Its our job as parents.Its what our parents and guardians did for us.The irony is once you become an adult you are expected to conquer your fears.You are expected to rise above,to scare the adult that looks scary.The fear of darkness that you have ,you have to deal with it.The boss that scares you ,there is no choice than to deal.For most people though the ways we learn to deal may not be healthy but they are effective. So we use them to conquer the world.Today we have this conversation about how this generation is different from the one before it .What we forget it we are trying to be better ,give more,protect more,heal our traumas through our children. In this journey we forget what is important,we forget to stop and think about the effects of all of the things we do.There is a reason mental health issues have risen ,there is a reason people are broken beyond what they can see. We have refused to heal ourselves so that we can be better human beings,better friends.Those of us that have gone through the process to heal and stay away from triggers aren't even better.Because when we heal,we shut people out,we think everyone is going to mess up our peace,we run at the slightest change of events.We forget that the more we shut people out the more we are on our own.As cliche as it sounds no man is an island and no one has ever made it through life on their own.

Protect your peace ,love yourself and do not forget that you can make a difference. Go thee and use your scars to make the world a better place.