Realities of living

I would be really scared if someone stayed the same as days go by.Like what do you mean you are the same person you were six months ago.You mean nothing has changed at all,that has to be really scary..Like not even a single thing has influenced you to grow or to unlearn one or two things?Okay say you may not change much but still you can't not change at all.People who stay exactly the same are robots and those things don't even have feelings.Which means you are disconnected from your own life.While it is happening you are staying in a program like you have boxed yourself. People who compartmentalize like that are unhealthy mentally.Everyday something happens, it can be really small but it does have an impact.It affects who you are and in one way or another changes you.The ability to ignore everyday events is really wild.I would rather someone loses a part of themselves and than stay exactly the same.

DIARY OF MY TODAY

I am looking into the eyes of a child.Let me start from the beginning,I am sitting somewhere and across from me is a baby and her mom.She is about a year old and is being a baby,wants to play,wants to be held and is even trying to eat everything she touches.She keeps smiling at me and I keep wondering how pure children are. 

I am admiring the casual way in which this baby is existing, falling because she knows she'll be caught.Keeps biting things just because.The purity and ability to be free spirited in children is amazing.Its been an interesting few minutes before I remember something.

Someone has been saying that I have baby fever.I don't think I do because for many years now it has been my conscious decision to not have another child.I have thought alot about it lately.The fact that I am craving teddy bears, like every time I see one I go "Aaaaw that's so cute". 

One thing is for sure,I know that am not ready but now I am no longer terrified.I know that one day I might get another,one day I might try again.Unlike two years ago when it was a definite no,now I don't feel like I can't do it. 

Would I get pregnant today if I had the chance, definitely NO.Will I do it next year I don't know.What I know is the trauma that led me to anxiety every time I thought about a baby is gone.The reason that kept me awake every time I had a pregnancy scare is gone . Isn't that beautiful?

In psychology this isn't about a baby,the need to have one or the craving to think about it.It isn't about tiny little feet and tiny little hands ,it is about more.It is about this journey,the healing process and the realities of how much has changed.

I look at the mirror and see a beautiful girl, a grown woman who had conquered her fears.A beautiful princess who has an amazing story.An amazing mother that has raised a beautiful, confident girl.An intentional parent who wakes up each day and chose to be a parent.The parent that stayed,the parent that prides in this choice to be a mother,I love that I get to do this journey.

I see a daughter that has done everything she could to make her parents proud.I see a beautiful sister that has shown up for her siblings,the best way she knows how.

Professionally I may not be where I want to be,but I have shown up for my clients the best way there is.I have held the Hippocratic Oath to the highest of regards.I have held my end of being ethical.

Today as I look into this innocent eyes,I know for a fact that it's God's way of saying something.Its his way of reminding me that this alleged baby fever is about how far I have come to get to a place of peace.A place of love,peace and contentment.The place of pure Grace.I have come to a place of living as God intended to,as a woman worthy of his name.

Conquering your fears

As children we are taught to fear what scares us.You tell your child to call an adult when they are scared,to run from a person that looks scary.We teach our children that they should be safe and teach them to avoid the things that exposed them to danger.The chanel's we think are inappropriate we block them, we protect them ,we do our best to make this difficult works safe.Its our job as parents.Its what our parents and guardians did for us.The irony is once you become an adult you are expected to conquer your fears.You are expected to rise above,to scare the adult that looks scary.The fear of darkness that you have ,you have to deal with it.The boss that scares you ,there is no choice than to deal.For most people though the ways we learn to deal may not be healthy but they are effective. So we use them to conquer the world.Today we have this conversation about how this generation is different from the one before it .What we forget it we are trying to be better ,give more,protect more,heal our traumas through our children. In this journey we forget what is important,we forget to stop and think about the effects of all of the things we do.There is a reason mental health issues have risen ,there is a reason people are broken beyond what they can see. We have refused to heal ourselves so that we can be better human beings,better friends.Those of us that have gone through the process to heal and stay away from triggers aren't even better.Because when we heal,we shut people out,we think everyone is going to mess up our peace,we run at the slightest change of events.We forget that the more we shut people out the more we are on our own.As cliche as it sounds no man is an island and no one has ever made it through life on their own.

Protect your peace ,love yourself and do not forget that you can make a difference. Go thee and use your scars to make the world a better place.

The healing process

I have a really wild mind.Like there are very few things I can't tell you I haven't thought about.Like why the sky is blue and the clouds are white.You know the kind of stuff that seems normal to everyone..But the things that come close to me and my well being,well those I have thought about.I even took the time to look at my mistakes,my pain and what I would have done differently to make it better.Nothing has come close to the self healing journey I have been through to come to a place of healing.I have done the work,I have paid the price.Through this journey I have realized there are things you can't change,things you can't outgrow and most importantly things you can't detach from.So you smile and learn to wear your scars with pride.Wear them with honor and stand up so tall no one can put you down.Because in the end the only person that matters is you and only you can make the best version of what you want.Go forth and bring the best to life..

The healing process

One day you are young ,with all your dreams intact.You are ready to face the world and conquer it.The next you are an adult with experiences that you don't even know how you survived.You are almost sure that they could have killed you but you are still here.So you wake up and try again.This time with measures to protect yourself.The irony is you will not know when your walls will come down again. All you can do is ask God to give you a safe space,so when your walls come down you will experience divine living.You will live in the joys of life and it's abundance.That you will smile again and that no matter what your tears will not flow unless they are tears of joy.
However for you to get to this space you need to have healed.You need to be free from all the trauma,all the pain ,all the triggers.You need to have accepted your mistakes,the things that you contributed to your good and bad times. Wear your scars with honor so that when you rise you can grow above the stigma,the shame the trigger and all remainders of what was.