Diary of Parenting

My child asked me to give her privacy today.I stood there very surprised and she thought I didn't hear her.She called me and said "I need privacy please excuse me for a minute". I couldn't process it,neither could I answer do I just walked away.In the evening I was talking to a friend and she walked to my room.I asked her to leave as I was busy and she looked at me like I said something really wild. My friend then asked me what I was whispering and I explained the situation to which he asked why I was telling her to leave.I said because if she was expecting privacy then she had to learn to give it even when it wasn't convenient.Now my friend thinks I need prayers because it's going to be crazy going from here.I know one thing for sure that I'll always be intentional about being a parent even if it involves giving privacy to my child.I may not get why she needs it or why she has things she prefers to do alone but I know for sure that I'll always be here when she needs me.

Little Pieces of Me

 I looked in the mirror and there stood a beautiful girl, beautiful in all her essence. I have been to the bottom of the sea where monsters live and survive. I have been to the darkest of places and I came out shining bright. I have been unable to sleep because the things going on in my life could not let me close my eyes in peace. There are days I slept more than normal, like no matter what time it was I could just close my eyes and fall asleep. Not much is said about the seasons that we are okay but really we aren’t okay. It has been a journey an interesting one actually. For the past few years, the healing process has been amazing, I have learned a lot of things. I have learned I can actually be very indifferent to things. The one thing I had promised myself when I started this journey is I wasn’t going to let my circumstances change who I am. It takes a lot of strength to accept that the beautiful parts of you are the reason someone hurt you in the first place. It's fascinating how many people change that just so they can protect themselves from future pain. I am a happy girl, honest, straightforward and I have a beautiful personality. Have people used that against me in the past? Yes, they have. I chose to accept that just because I got hurt doesn’t mean I give up the things that define me. So I chose me and I must say that as soon as I made peace the universe aligned. Today when I look in the mirror I see a happy girl. I see a girl who is content with everything. If there’s something that I learned very fast no matter what you do, something will always try to drag you back. Days like those chose to focus on the goal, which is being healthy. I wear my scars with pride no one can shame me for my choices or for the things that happened in my past. I enjoy my wins with so much grace because I have earned every single one of them. My mental health is at a level healthy place, my physical health is at a good place and everything else is where it usually is, I am figuring it out. I like what I see every time I look in the mirror. I love what I feel every day and I am amazed that I recognize now how much of me is amazing. I am happy truly and I know that no matter what this is who I am. This is what makes me and for that, I get to say I am okay.,

 

DIARY OF MY TODAY

I am looking into the eyes of a child.Let me start from the beginning,I am sitting somewhere and across from me is a baby and her mom.She is about a year old and is being a baby,wants to play,wants to be held and is even trying to eat everything she touches.She keeps smiling at me and I keep wondering how pure children are. 

I am admiring the casual way in which this baby is existing, falling because she knows she'll be caught.Keeps biting things just because.The purity and ability to be free spirited in children is amazing.Its been an interesting few minutes before I remember something.

Someone has been saying that I have baby fever.I don't think I do because for many years now it has been my conscious decision to not have another child.I have thought alot about it lately.The fact that I am craving teddy bears, like every time I see one I go "Aaaaw that's so cute". 

One thing is for sure,I know that am not ready but now I am no longer terrified.I know that one day I might get another,one day I might try again.Unlike two years ago when it was a definite no,now I don't feel like I can't do it. 

Would I get pregnant today if I had the chance, definitely NO.Will I do it next year I don't know.What I know is the trauma that led me to anxiety every time I thought about a baby is gone.The reason that kept me awake every time I had a pregnancy scare is gone . Isn't that beautiful?

In psychology this isn't about a baby,the need to have one or the craving to think about it.It isn't about tiny little feet and tiny little hands ,it is about more.It is about this journey,the healing process and the realities of how much has changed.

I look at the mirror and see a beautiful girl, a grown woman who had conquered her fears.A beautiful princess who has an amazing story.An amazing mother that has raised a beautiful, confident girl.An intentional parent who wakes up each day and chose to be a parent.The parent that stayed,the parent that prides in this choice to be a mother,I love that I get to do this journey.

I see a daughter that has done everything she could to make her parents proud.I see a beautiful sister that has shown up for her siblings,the best way she knows how.

Professionally I may not be where I want to be,but I have shown up for my clients the best way there is.I have held the Hippocratic Oath to the highest of regards.I have held my end of being ethical.

Today as I look into this innocent eyes,I know for a fact that it's God's way of saying something.Its his way of reminding me that this alleged baby fever is about how far I have come to get to a place of peace.A place of love,peace and contentment.The place of pure Grace.I have come to a place of living as God intended to,as a woman worthy of his name.

Conquering your fears

As children we are taught to fear what scares us.You tell your child to call an adult when they are scared,to run from a person that looks scary.We teach our children that they should be safe and teach them to avoid the things that exposed them to danger.The chanel's we think are inappropriate we block them, we protect them ,we do our best to make this difficult works safe.Its our job as parents.Its what our parents and guardians did for us.The irony is once you become an adult you are expected to conquer your fears.You are expected to rise above,to scare the adult that looks scary.The fear of darkness that you have ,you have to deal with it.The boss that scares you ,there is no choice than to deal.For most people though the ways we learn to deal may not be healthy but they are effective. So we use them to conquer the world.Today we have this conversation about how this generation is different from the one before it .What we forget it we are trying to be better ,give more,protect more,heal our traumas through our children. In this journey we forget what is important,we forget to stop and think about the effects of all of the things we do.There is a reason mental health issues have risen ,there is a reason people are broken beyond what they can see. We have refused to heal ourselves so that we can be better human beings,better friends.Those of us that have gone through the process to heal and stay away from triggers aren't even better.Because when we heal,we shut people out,we think everyone is going to mess up our peace,we run at the slightest change of events.We forget that the more we shut people out the more we are on our own.As cliche as it sounds no man is an island and no one has ever made it through life on their own.

Protect your peace ,love yourself and do not forget that you can make a difference. Go thee and use your scars to make the world a better place.