Needing Help is Strength

Adulting is a game of winning. Most of us are in it to prove to anyone who cares that we have it under control. So we wake up each day and keep pushing. We drown in the responsibilities,drown in the goals we set for ourselves. And as if none of this is enough we also try to please society too. We give the remaining shred of strength to try and fit in.As hard as it is we try and please society, who aren't even a literal part of lives. What nobody tells us is it is okay to be overwhelmed by all of it.It is okay to want help. There is nothing wrong with admitting it's not easy. While we think that holding it all is strength it isn't. It makes us weak,it breaks every single resilience and it make us bitter. Asking for help makes us stronger,it gives us avenues to rebuild. Here is to accepting that we don't need to drown to be strong.#rebuild

July 20th 2022.

 I woke up today to the sound of campaign songs.Its a part of our lives this days. This is where we are right now and while personally I don't appreciate the noise I like the wooing.This is the time that every citizen counts,that every person is important. All politicians are being nice ,promising heaven and for a change trying to connect. As a person that has to count for something. There are days that we mean so much to people .Days that we treat ourselves better,we wake up loving ourselves.And then one day after elections the wooing will stop and if you need anything from a politician you will go to them. While I think the dynamic is pretty straightforward it isn't for you as person.When you stop loving yourself no one will woo you back.. So don't ever stop loving you and if you stop there is no shame in finding help back. You are the person that counts,your number one fan is you.Whatever happens never treat yourself like just a vote,you are so much more than a once in a while..You are enough,love yourself.

The realities of living

Everyone will tell you to take a step of faith.They will tell you to keep trying and not give up.What they will not tell you is ,it will hurt like hell.It will be scary and for the most part you will have nothing to show for it.So you will drown soo deep it will scare you to swim.And when you have drowned to the bottom no one will be there with you.Then you will remember that there is a God and so you call him.As soon as you say it out loud ,it all starts to fall in place.The beauty of everything starts to show and it is in that moment that you know ,all you needed to do is ask. So hold on a little bit longer and when you are ready all you need to do is ask.

25:10:2023

I have learnt to be present in my emotions.Taught myself to listen to my body,the changes in my psychic. It is very interesting that now I know when something changes.Like today, I don't feel whole, something is off, really really off.I have thought about it, listened to exact time in which my mood changed.It is a very trying space to be in because it gives me the power to change it.The reality is there things I don't need to change,I need to feel the pain,to experience the consequences of my feelings.I have to go through them to heal them and in being in such a space is really interesting.Knowing that you can change it but living is necessary for growth.

Most of us spend our lives running from our feelings,we run for the things that make us feel.We do everything we can not be powerless,we use every avenue we have to ensure we have control.Yet control is what messes us up,it is what takes away our ability to deal with our pain,our traumas.Control takes away from our ability to enjoy our wins,to feel our joy,to celebrate the things we have worked so hard to achieve.Instead of being present in the moment we try so hard to keep the factors constant.

The realities of living

Maybe it's meant to be,that you break your soul before you can grow with it

That you fall way below the bottom of the sea before you can aim at the sky

Maybe you are meant to experience the painful lessons

That make you question the meaning of life as a whole

Maybe that pain Is meant to teach you something

That choices have consequences no matter how long it takes

What I know for a fact is that you are unique in your ways

You are different in a specific special way and that is a wonder

What I question is how people change their true self when they get hurt

You may not have been good enough for them but thats who you are

What I ask is,when you change to be someone you aren't who does it hurt?

You become someone you are not to prove a point to people who already left

This exact time

I sit here by myself trying to exist in a space so huge and yet none of this is enough

I listen to my being fight within itself as it tries to enjoy my current being

This quite time that I have is all I have waited in a long time 

Yet in this exact time I want more than just for this to be quite

I can hear myself think , beautiful thoughts going through my mind

The random thoughts I have been putting on hold now I can process

The peace in this quite within me is so surreal the clarity is evident in my thoughts

Yet in this exact time I want more than just for this to be about thoughts

Why is there no evidence of of the visit to the moon

Why has the human species stop evolving over the last century

Does the effects of global warming affect the intelligence of human race

Yet in this exact time I want more than just to question life as a whole

I can't say what I want ,but I know that I want more than this

More than the preciousness of time to recharge myself

I ought to achieve more,to be more than just exist,change the world maybe

Yet in this exact moment I want more than just to feel recharged 

Gun of honor🔥

Me and my wild brain have been trying to be calm but then life is for the living so calm is out the window.Raw is now in place, saying it exactly as it is.

There is sex, Which can be very mechanical depending on who you are having it with.I have had my share of that and I am so lucky the universe decided that the injustice was enough .

Today let me talk about this man,I wanna say he fucks me good, except that doesn't even begin to describe what he does.This man is gentle yet rough around the edges,which applies to how he does everything.Have I mentioned that looking at him and talking to him has the same effect on me.I am feminine with him, blushing ,soft and gentle.The masculine energy he exudes is so strong it over powers even the most stubborn village girl.

I had the honor of spending time with twice in two weeks,which I want to state for the record I have never felt that kind of honor.For him to create time for me is an honor I don't take for granted.He watched me walk towards his arms, a fantasy that I have had for a while now.Walking towards him with him watching me, waiting for me and that hug meehn I had missed that.

For lack of a better description let me use the term make love because the purity of what he does calling it fucking alone is injustice.This man challenges my intelligence,listens when I talk and he has a way deep into my soul.

Oh how he made love to me, sensually, gently ,hard and holistically.I had all of him inside of me,inside my soul,inside my brain under my skin and inside of my vagina making me feel like the prettiest, sexiest girl in the world.

How he looks at me with those beautiful eyes,how he holds me with his masculine arms.The way that he enters my womanhood like the king that he is, majestic yet so firm.His gun of honor stroking me with so much passion,no rhythm just going with the flow.How he manages to ensure he goes hard and still touch the right spots is something I can't figure out.Oh Chali,Oh sweetheart you fucked me so good I lack words to describe it.

You made love to my soul,healed my aching for you,nourished me with passion.Now I am whole,I am sexually satisfied and my V is well fed .As I headed home that morning I knew for a fact that my whole existence was changed.

I have been challenged by a handsome man,to be better professionally ,to do better financially and to be holistically better.My womanhood was loved so gently,my brains nudged so smartly,my vagina was explored so intensly and my walls broken down so much that my growth is inevitable.

To be touched by you,to be in your arms,to be led into so many clouds of everything,I am honored that you took the time.I am honored that you let me into your manhood,into your kingdom, to the depths of your intimacy.To taste what it is like to wake up in your arms once again.To exist in your energy to be led into your intimacy,pure love.

I feel seen,I feel heard ,I am content for I am whole.

I bow in honor of a man worthy of respect, worthy of honor and love,my love.

Parenting Chronicles

Last week my little human brought home a piece of paper.An invite to a birthday party, handwritten with different colors.I remember thinking that must have been a lot of work for the writer.Veey good English by the way, punctuation and all.This invite had instructions,to enter one had to go with the "invite card" the handwritten one .They also had to go with a gift for the birthday girl.Huko kwa committee they also decided to dress well and look good for the birthday.Today was the birthday,hakuna kuchoma,I made sure hair looked good and there was a gift.What was left was for my human to dress and show up. I was home before she left ,she picks an outfit and I go😳😳😳😳😳.She asks what's wrong and I ask ,do you want to go like that? She said yes and then added "I look very stylish" Me:What do I know🤷🤷Na sio Mimi naenda birthday.Mimi I come from a generation where a birthday or any event meant dressing a certain way.Hawa wako na style Yao na nikama sielewi kapsaa.I took pictures,she left and I went somewhere.I get home this evening and I ask her how the birthday went. She says it was not fun.I didn't think I heard her so I asked again she said it wasn't fun at all. Well as it turns out they had cake, several snacks and sodas.There was also extra cake for people who came with gifts.Now I am totally lost,so I ask what wasn't fun.She says there was no music and they didn't relax one bit."There was no joy and no fun".Me 😳😳🙆🙆🙆🤦🤦🤦🤦🤔🤔🤔🤷🤷🤷.Yani snacks and sugar rush isn't fun anymore?Like hata cake pekee yake sio fun? Thanks to Kenya power she can't see my face because my facial expressions are going wild.Woi mama nani who broke the bank to host tiny people.Probably spent the whole morning cleaning and getting enough glasses to host her kids friend's Chei🙆🙆🙆. Halafu the kids in this place I know them..So stauliza kama walimwambia because I know they did.This generation Yani..Before I said anything she said"I told mama nani thank you, She was very kind and gave me water when I asked.," Probably this woman didn't know what they wanted and they didn't ask.Personally I also wouldn't put music because many tiny people dancing is chaotic.Add music to sugar rush and you will never host children again.Well I hope this generation carries their audacity to adulthood because they will need it.

#Cbcchronicles

#intentionalparenting

I have loved so deeply,yet I never felt that kind of purity in those that showed me love

I cared so intensely,yet never felt safe to long enough not to care for myself

I honored those that deserved and yet never walked in my own honor

I held on to keep the peace,yet I always walk in eggshells not to disturb their peace

I gave my heart to the course of being human, yet I haven't been one myself

I have healed broken hearts,yet I walk around as a human humpty Dumpty

I am a good listener,yet I can hear the echo when I speak for no one listens

Everything I had to overcome I did, yet I can heart and fwdDxrq mythem taking credit for it all

Diary of Parenting

My child asked me to give her privacy today.I stood there very surprised and she thought I didn't hear her.She called me and said "I need privacy please excuse me for a minute". I couldn't process it,neither could I answer do I just walked away.In the evening I was talking to a friend and she walked to my room.I asked her to leave as I was busy and she looked at me like I said something really wild. My friend then asked me what I was whispering and I explained the situation to which he asked why I was telling her to leave.I said because if she was expecting privacy then she had to learn to give it even when it wasn't convenient.Now my friend thinks I need prayers because it's going to be crazy going from here.I know one thing for sure that I'll always be intentional about being a parent even if it involves giving privacy to my child.I may not get why she needs it or why she has things she prefers to do alone but I know for sure that I'll always be here when she needs me.